My names: A mini autobio
Although my birth certificate states I am ‘Nicole,’ I go by the name ‘Zlata.’ I grew up in the care of a single, immigrant mother who left her entire social support system in Latvia. From the hospital of a Philly suburb, my mother called her family overseas to relay plans of calling her American-born child Zlata, and fear seized my grandmother. She cautioned my mother to forget her roots, adopt the American way, and name me Nicole. Although I didn’t know it then, a lifelong battle ignited in me that day.
Initially, the battle was humiliating since my cultural background, poverty, and abuse alienated me from my peers. Not only was I the kid who attended English Speakers of Other Languages (ESOL) classes, but I was also the kid who couldn’t make it to the birthday party, invite friends over, or participate in clothing or toy trends. My mother struggled to raise me on her own. As I entered middle school, the battle became clear: mask my vulnerabilities to survive. Clinging to my American identity, I flourished into the role of Nicole, suppressing everything that made me Zlata. As Nicole, I did not speak Russian, hid my ethnic lunches, and refused to be called Zlata. I saw my culture as the contributing force behind my adversity and believed if I could rid myself of it, I would have a chance at the American Dream.
I did not have the resources or the security to explore my identity during critical developmental years, and I plunged into schoolwork. I saw college as my way out of adversity, still unable to dedicate time to identity exploration. However, after I graduated college — and as truly of a privilege obtaining higher ed is — I realized it didn’t fix the void I felt. But, what did happen, was that I had the financial security and physiological safety to uncover my authentic self. My life drastically changed when I had the freedom to stop living on autopilot and viewing the world from a scarcity perspective. The next part of my battle was learning to accept all parts of myself while also discovering myself.
I now recognize my nurturing, creative, and curious qualities. I allow them to guide me through self-discovery. When I dropped my protective shield, I won my lifelong battle. I’ve reclaimed my name as Zlata and the identity that comes with it. Of course, I will also always be Nicole. That part of me helped me survive.